Port Henry, NY, March 31, 2017- Local Officials unveil a major project aimed at confirming the existence of “Champ,” the Lake Champlain Monster, once and for all.
“This will be a shot in the arm for tourism,” stated Super Town Advisor, Bean Favascossa. “This is a huge undertaking that has been in the works for many years. Lake Champlain already has great waterfront activities like boating and fishing, but once Champ is declared real then people are gonna wanna piece of that action.”
Early drafts of the plan sought to drain the water from Lake Champlain long enough to see what’s on the bottom. It was originally slated to be a bi-state endeavor with Vermont, which also borders Lake Champlain, until Vermont pulled out, raising objections over environmental concerns.
“It doesn’t matter,” said Favascossa, “The technology is there to proceed without Vermont, and we have finally secured the funding to start tomorrow.” Record numbers of crowds are expected to be on the Champlain Bridge to watch the start of construction.
NYSDEC workers will begin submerging a permeable membrane at the south end of Lake Champlain, continuing down the center of the more than 200-mile long lake, effectively creating an underwater fence on the New York/Vermont border. Using reverse osmosis technology, or “RO” as it is known in the permeable membrane industry, the water on the New York side of the lake will be absorbed into the Vermont side, effectively draining half of the lake.
“I can't say if there will be a loud slurping sound like a giant Bounty paper towel,” said Favascossa, answering some of the many questions from the crowd in attendance. “How it works is all pretty simple. Water passes through the membrane with no problem, but people were worried about all the fish left behind. Well, I learned about osmosis in school - we all did, in fact, that’s how we studied for tests - we’d put the books under our pillows. Basically, if you have a water-shaped hole, the water goes through. There are no air-shaped holes in this stuff, so air doesn’t go through. Well, I told ‘em- just make fish-shaped holes and the fish will go through too! This saved a lot of money and a lot of fish cleanup. As long as we don’t have Champ-shaped holes this project is going to go off as planned.”
Local reporter, Leanen Aginstree, was dubious, “I interviewed Champ in 1987 and he told me, personally, that he doesn’t exist. Having gotten that right from the source, I have no doubt as to the veracity of the statement. What are we going to do after all this effort when we don’t find Champ?”
Favascossa replied, ”We have an agreement in place with Vermont. If we don’t find Champ, but we prove that this is ecologically sound technology, then we’re going to turn the fence around next year and drain the Vermont side. I’m confident that this will not be necessary. Port Henry is the home of Champ, it stands to reason he would be on the NY side.”
The money for this expensive project is coming from both state and federal sources. Favascossa explained the intricacies, “Governor Cuomo has been keen to build up the Adirondacks, so that part wasn’t a problem, but we were still short on funds. For the longest time we couldn’t get the Feds on board with this. We tried for years. It all came down to the terminology used on the applications. Turns out, we only had to change the words ‘underwater fence’ to ‘underwater wall’ and now the money is rolling in!”
NYSDEC is subcontracting most of the work to seasoned veterans of permeable membrane installations, who have successfully completed several projects in the Great Lakes region. The company, RO HURON BOAT, will begin unrolling the rubbery fabric off the back of their trawler at first light. “We’re going to have to erect half a bridge at each ferry crossing” stated Ivan Dounder, CEO of the company. “Essex Ferry wanted to drive the cars out to the center of the lake and lift them by crane, but the half bridge is more cost efficient.”
Aginstree raised another concern, “With hundreds of square miles to search, how do you plan cover so much lake bed?”
Favascossa revealed phase 2 of the plan, “Kids love to look under rocks. Put ‘em by a stream or a lake, and what do they do? They look under rocks! The State of New York is offering field trips to Lake Champlain all summer. There will be kids from all over poking around the dry lake bed. They’re bound to find Champ sooner or later."
Local industry leader, Unintentional Paper, has lent their support to the project. They have committed to retooling two of their lines to create giant paper cups. In the event that Champ or Champs are found, children can slip them and a little water into the supplied cups to pass around for close inspection. “Once the Champs are verified as real — and we hope that will include all of the Champs found —“ Favascossa concluded, “we’ll dump the cups on the Vermont side and then pull up the fence.”
*The preceding story is fabricated in celebration of April Fools day, popular for the commission of good-humored practical jokes of varying sophistication.